what he wanted

Everything makes sense now. How you wanted my walk to be a little different (my pace was always off)… how my hair could be a lil better… skin could be a lil lighter (because thats what your family accepted)… how my attitude could be better (I won’t disagree on that)… how I could stand to lose a few pounds… how you wanted to impregnate me soooooo bad… because, well, she was pregnant. And her walk was graceful. Her hair was silky, while mine kinked. And my skin was kissed by the sun. and my attitude was reluctant to believe your lies while she, put up with them. I get it. I am not her. and you wanted me to become what you lost. You wanted to fill the void of that great thing that you lost. Had I known, I would have never even tried to convince you that I was enough. To justify the glide in my walk. The coil of my hair. The tint of my skin. The inflection in my voice. The weight from my thighs… Barred from emotion, I allowed you to penetrate my soul. I allowed you to make a home out of me… while you moved your baggage in. I became full of foreign objects. Not like myself but, I allowed it. I wanted so bad to caution myself from the fall… but I could not break the fall. I couldn’t break it. I couldn’t stop the feelings. Forced to encounter emotions that I knew, know nothing about. I could never be enough to a man who is not done with his past. You loved her… love. It never leaves. Ive allowed myself to connect with you on a different plane, yet and still, you were still connected to another source. I am sharing you with her. Not physically but, spiritually. This is a fight that I will never win. I don’t doubt at all that you love me. And this thing… it was never intentional. We don’t plan for life to happen this way. For love to come and go. For the love of our lives to be taken away from us. What we cannot do is hold on to dead weight. I’m sorry, for not being… her.

-old dirt still yields flowers that bloom from the rain.

-B♥️ 04.28.2017