My feelings have been hurt... What's next? Coping with hurt 101

Dealing With Pain: That One Time I was Cheated On

After carefully watching Beyoncé’s iconic Lemonade album, I’m sure we were under the impression that we too, could cope with life’s turmoil by busting out random windows of old school cars or possibly screaming at the person who caused us that pain (WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM).

Well folks, neither you nor I are the Queen Bey and we don’t quite possess the power to pour our emotions over lyrics and video and not be ‘judged’ for it.

There is one thing we can do- turn lemons into lemonade. Though she [Beyoncé] did walk us through her journey from hurt to redemption, she kinda left us hanging as to HOW she ‘got over’ that pain.

I’m sure we’ve all been in this place: trying to figure out why, how and basically in a state of confusion. How could someone I love and trust hurt me so bad? Why would they do this to me? Why is this happening to me? We can ask those questions day in and day out but never really get an answer. Truth be told, the person that hurt you did it because they wanted to. There won’t be an excuse to justify that so, don’t bother worrying yourself sick trying to figure it out.

-The time I was cheated on-

I was nineteen years old, a sophomore in college and in my first real relationship. Everything was going well. That fall, we were both in school in different cities but he’d come to visit me on the weekends. It was blissful… magical in a sense. We would talk about everything from sports, life, school, personal things and everything in between. We grew closer and he eventually moved to my city (he was from there) and enrolled in a nearby college. Often times he would spend the night and I didn’t think much of it. Then I realized that he’d basically moved himself in (along with my three other roommates) in my college dorm. Crazy, I know… but it happened. Time progressed and the spring semester commenced. And there I was: nineteen, in love and LOST. I had to go home for the summer which meant that I had to say goodbye to days and nights spent with my boyfriend. I mean really, how was I to survive without cuddling every night? We were basically attached at the hip.

I made it to my hometown in which the dynamic of the summer had so drastically shifted. My high school classmates were off doing their own thing- many of which I’d lost contact with anyway (because he and I agreed that we would delete our social media accounts for the ‘relationship’). So here I am, back at home, trying to figure out just what the FUCK I was going to do with myself. My mom had me to apply to jobs so that I could stay occupied for the summer. I landed a job at a local nursing home as a nursing assistant, to which I’d taken the overnight shift. So from 10pm to 6am I was awake. Wiping asses, getting hit… getting pee’d on- simple shit. Anyway, most nights when I had down time he and I would chat on the phone before he went to bed. That was pretty much the routine.

One of those nights, we got into an argument. I think it was because he was always going out with his boys and complaining about being broke (typical) but I expressed my disgust and of course, he didn’t want to hear any of that. That following night I didn’t hear from him. Then another night… another… and again. By now three nights have gone by and I’ve already prepared myself for the worst. My intuition already told me that he’d cheated on me. I just wanted to know if he was going to tell me the truth or not. After sending countless amounts of text messages full of paragraphs… voicemails, emails and whatever else I could use as a medium to contact him; nothing worked. I found myself sitting in church on a Sunday morning. I’d send him a text asking him to just tell the truth… no explanation, just a simple yes or no.

As I opened the message and read the words yes… I’m sorry, my heart DROPPED. If I’ve never felt pain before, I did that day. My vision became cloudy, hearing distorted. I found myself stumbling across the knees of people on my pew, nearly RUNNING for the nearest exit door. I made it to my car and I called him. I remember asking why, who.. HOW? He couldn’t muster up a word and I became nearly inaudible as the tears ran down my cheeks and my voice quivered with pain. I felt my heart enrage with hurt. I’m not sure there is a word to describe how I felt. I just know it was horrible. How could this guy that I love and trust manage to rip my heart in to pieces?

I told him that I think we needed a break and that if after a week my outlook on the relationship changed, I’d stay and we’d work it out. I took a week off. I read scriptures every day. I fasted. I didn’t eat for a week and a half. I read prayers. I slept. I slept and I SLEPT. My days converged and I was still hurt.

After a week and a half, I found myself 15 pounds lighter, sick from not eating and undoubtedly still in emotional distress. I told him that I’d forgive him and that we could move on. (I’ll write another post about coming back after cheating).

Needless to say, two years went by and the relationship ended. Now that I look back, there are a few things that I could’ve done differently to cope with the emotions that I experienced.

-Coping with Hurt-

1. Take a deep breath.

Inhale… Exhale. You are going to be just fine. If you’ve never experienced this dynamic of emotion, it may seem like it will be EXTREMELY difficult to get through it but believe me you will.

2. Acknowledge that you are hurt.

Don’t attempt to mask the pain by moving on too fast. If you were in a relationship and you got hurt, don’t go out looking for ‘revenge’ or attempt to do anything spiteful- you’ll only wind up hurting yourself more. Try journaling your thoughts and emotions. Don’t ignore them… it’s okay, you’re human and things happen.

3. Put the phone down.

I understand that you are feeling ‘some type of way’ but as hard as it may be… this isn’t to be shared with the whole world! Abstain from posting on social media. Now is a tender time for you. You don’t need to share with the world every detail about your relationship and emotions. Have some regard for yourself and cherish your thoughts and feelings. They aren’t to be shared with everyone. Most people only seek to be nosey and judge you anyway. So, put the phone down… give Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or whatever else a BREAK. Your return will be GRANDE *flips hair* Besides, if someone cares to keep in contact with you, they’ll find a way.

4. Meditate.

For some, this may mean you close yourself off in a secluded area for a set amount of time every day, for others it may be a jog around the park or having writing in a journal. Whatever your form of meditation is, it’s pertinent to your healing. Set aside a specific time that you devote solely to yourself. If you believe in a higher being, now would be a good time to acknowledge them. Prayer works as well.

5. Talk it out.

By now, you’re probably skeptical on who you can trust but here is where friends come in handy. It’s good to release and to have someone listen and console you. You may find this in a friend, parent, brother, sister or whomever. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to someone you know, don’t be afraid to consult a counselor. There is always someone there to listen and to help!

6. Find a hobby.

Writing tends to work for me but drawing, singing, playing an instrument… those types of things.

7. Fall in love with yourself again.

Being hurt is not the end of the world. It’s inevitable and it happens to the best of us. Take some time to learn what you like. Write down things that will make you a better person. If you’ve been hurt by a relationship, write down the things that hurt you and these will be the things that you will NOT accept in your next relationship. You’ve probably invested a ton of time into the relationship and neglected to love yourself. Take some time to figure yourself out.

In the end, being hurt and recovering from it is a painstaking process. You are so much greater than the occurrences that try to bring you down. You are you own person and you may heal at a different pace than the next person. That is fine. Focus on yourself. There is nothing that is for certain in this life but death. Go out and find yourself! If that means dropping and letting go of everything as it is, then so be it. You deserve a fresh start. You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. I hope this helps Peace and blessings

12.14.16