Life: My suicide note (an open letter)

For a moment, I've wondered about what I could say in this letter.

How my words could affect those who read it for years to come… if they would…

I wondered if people would even care to hear what I have to say.

For my birthday last year, I wrote a list of things that I'd learned up to that point:

23 brought about a change.

My goodness, how life has changed since then!

My only focus was graduating from college and attempting to maintain a relationship that was at a dead end.

[Funny how life is the only teacher that can show us to embrace the shift in seasons.]

Even then, I struggled to keep a smile on my face but I did it anyway. I was dolled up from head to toe with the cutest hair extensions, a fresh set of fake nails and all the material things money could buy. I was unhappy though. Unhappy with myself… my place in life, I mean, I felt like I should've been far more ahead than what I was… but I was existing. Occupying space. Breathing but lifeless.

When a duck is gliding across a pond, we don't think of the mechanics that are going on underwater. We just see a graceful animal cruising about while it are it's legs, paddling fast to keep them afloat.

That was me. Dealing with so many things on the inside but I never let the world see me sweat.

I took loss after loss. At one point, I felt I like I really lost my mind. Like sanity had found residence in every persons home (soul) than the one who needed it most-

me.

When I'm under high anxiety, one of the ways I cope is extreme impulsive decision making.

After graduation, I went through a very rough period in my life… a very dark time. Nothing was going how it was supposed to go(so I thought).

I decided that in order for me to embrace the changes as they were being thrown at me, I should cut my hair. And I did. Chopped it all off! I loved it at first because it signified a new beginning as a new person… who ever she was… and I wore that hair cut for about 6 weeks. There was no clarity and direction on who this new person was supposed to be.

One day I looked in the mirror and saw how much I hated it. I missed the old me. I wanted her back but it was too late. The damage had been done and there was no going back.

I decided that I'd grow my hair out and cut it again, but this time for good reasons.

For growth, health, wellness… a whole new me. And it worked. I don't miss the old me. It was almost like a birth of someone new.

But, we're here now and I want to get to my goodbyes.

Firstly, I want to thank my parents who have been amazing throughout my entire life. You've given me everything; both material and otherwise. You both have shown me true love, light and how to excel beyond limitations. You have constantly provided, time and time again. I thank you immensely for the life you've given me and the life I've had. I am eternally grateful but it is now time to say goodbye.

To my brother, you've been my everything since birth. My first and true best friend. The one who's always had my back… the one I can always count on, no matter what. You've listened to some of my deepest darkest secrets and remained a brother to me, above all. You've shown me the meaning of unconditional love.

To my family, I thank y'all for supporting me and staying by my side. For motivating me and reminding me to keep my head above water.

To my friends… the ones who've been there from day one and to the ones that I've met along the way; I appreciate y'all more than words could ever express. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have been your friend. Thank you.

To everyone else in the world… for those who've ever said something positive to me… those strangers who've made me smile and I've given them one in return… to the people who have said so much hateful and negative things to me and about me; may God continue to show you his unconditional love.

May I pose a question to you, the reader?

Why is it that people don't care about you until you die?

As if flowers don't bloom from rain and soil- both of which are full of atoms which are, therefore, symbol of life.

Flowers that grow and are meant to be gifted and given freely.

Do not wait until death do us part to recognize and truly love people how they deserve to be loved.

We are all only human. only human.

My message to you:

It is my hope that everyone across the world read this letter and become more aware of their place in life.

It is my hope that from this day forth, that people become more mindful of how they treat themselves because it is a direct reflection of how they treat others.

It is my hope that in my absence you learn the true meaning of unconditional love- that is love beyond the bounds of human comprehension but, I hope y'all get it.

I hope that when you see people, you see them for who they are. Not who they were taught to be, what they have on, the color of their skin, the size of their wallet, the size of their waist, the pattern of their hair or the way you "perceive" them to be.

It is my hope that people learn the true meaning of compassion.

With this, I say in confidence:

Rest In Peace to who I used to be.

To who the world wanted me to become.

To the image I desired to attain.

To anything in me that does not yield positivity.

I refuse to live another day without exercising my right to love beyond the limits of human capacity. I will love with my whole heart and soul; even if it kills me.

I will no longer nurture or give life to situations that serve me no growth.

I am severing the root of all negativity and hate.

that person is dead now.

I will walk forward in life, confidently knowing who I am and whose I am.

I am not killing my physical body.

I am killing the parts of me that were like cancer to my soul.

From this day forth, I will be different.

You will see many changes.

It will be uncomfortable but worth it.

Don't hold on to things, people or places that need to be cut off from your life. You are a light source. Don't let darkness drain you.

If you've made it to this point in this letter and if it has made you feel sad or has given you a feeling that you can't explain; do me one favor: ask God to create in you a clean heart- to forgive yourself and others.

Tell someone you love them today because tomorrow could be too late.

Give someone you love flowers today because a drought is unpredictable.

Shower people with love, positivity and positive affirmations.

Use your words to only speak life into others.

I invite you to kill the parts of you that hinder your growth.

Recognize the faults in yourself so that you can be who you need to yourself and what you need to be for others.

I choose to rise above what should've killed me.

Words, diagnoses…happenstance- whatever.

The truth is that,

Life will happen. No matter where we are and what we are doing. How we choose to live life is what matters.

Everyday we have a new chance to make a difference. No matter how great or small. Life is meant to be lived; not plauged with stagnancy.

If you ever needed a sign to go forward and pursue your dreams, this is it.

No one knows what we battle with on the inside but everyday, we must make the decision to fight to choose how our story will end.

For year 24, my mission is to spread unconditional love- the way that Jesus did.

He died so that we may have life and live it more abundantly. John 10:10

Much peace and love.

You are never alone.

https://youtu.be/JVMRvVBZgLA

-B♥️