If You're Reading This...
If you're reading this, it means I've made it. That I've accomplished a lifelong goal, filled with triumphs, disappointments, and pure bliss. A journey of success, failure and everything in between, all in pursuit of a piece of happiness. To many, I've been strong. I’ve maintained the aura of resilience- but there have been plenty times when self-doubt clouded my mind.
This journey has taught me so much about life- after all, that's what life is about; learning.
I came into college with a silver spoon in my mouth. A strong grade point average, even got inducted into the Thomas Freeman Honors College at Texas Southern. I came from a two parent home, both of whom are college educated. I had scholarship funds… the whole 9- a carefree college freshman. My future was bright. I took all those things for granted. During my first year of college, I was introduced to a lot. My grades began to slack as I indulged in such newfound freedom. On winter break, I went back home as most college students do and linked up with an old friend of mine. I bore a child and lost it. For weeks, I was shaken. I dealt with it the way I’d dealt with the rest of my life- keep moving as if nothing happened but, it affected me mentally, spiritually and physically. My grades slipped and I eventually lost my scholarship for the university honors college. My sophomore year rolled around and I entered a seemingly nice relationship. I fell head over heels for this guy.. even severed ties with old friends to keep our relationship afloat while I was drowning in my facade of love. My GPA was on a steady decline and I found myself faced with something I never imagined would happen to me- academic probation. I became no stranger to failure. I accepted it until it became normal. I stopped putting in effort when I felt it would result in failure. Faced with the fear of being kicked out, I pulled myself together. I managed to make A’s and B’s the following semester- there was no way in hell I was gonna leave. Time progressed and I entered my junior year. This season was significantly different from the rest as I moved into a new apartment (with my then boyfriend and brother). My mother was battling a legal case in my hometown and our family was literally trying to hold it all together. With that on my plate + a toxic relationship + school + trying to maintain a sense of normalcy, I was plagued with depression. There were days I couldn’t find it in myself to get up for class. I would sulk in my depression… not because I wanted to but because the load was so heavy and I felt I had no one. Senior year rolled around and surely, all of my friends were excited about graduation. According to the time that I entered college, I was due to graduate in the spring of 2016- that didn’t happen. Fall 2016 came and again, no cap or gown for me. It seemed as if there was always a setback. Spring 2017 came around and I just knew that it was my time. It wasn’t. Depression plagued my mind once again. I beat myself up about the whole ‘timing’ thing. There were nights that I stayed awake, scrolling through social media and seeing people I knew with their cap and gown… basking in their glory of crossing the undergraduate finish line and often, I found myself drenched in tears. Bawling. Trying to figure out why wasn't that me? Why wasn't it my time? Why can't I get it right? Tried to figure out why things didn’t go according to plan for me. Nothing made sense. I was so ready for it to be MY time when it wasn’t. It just wasn’t. Now, here I am; fall 2017- right where I am supposed to be. It's MY TIME!
Here is what my time in college has taught me:
You can't measure your distance in life by how many steps you've taken but by how far you've gotten. There are lots of people that have taken strides in the wrong direction. Failure isn’t the end- it builds character. If at first, you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. Life is full of lessons; we must embrace being a student of life. Forgiveness is key. The only way you heal is when you acknowledge the problem, handle it and move on. Apologies are necessary. We are humans… who don’t come with an operating manual or instructions. No one truly knows everything about life. Your story is your own and unique to you. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Seek what you want to find. Nothing is given- you must work for what you want. Connections are important; who you know will often get you in the door. Success is failure turned inside out. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be living your life. Time limits mean nothing; chances are, you won't be rich by 25 with two degrees and a fancy car. That doesn't mean you won't have it by 28… or 32… or 65! Age doesn't define your place or position in life. Completion is key. If you start it- finish it. Persevere. Persist. Pray. Push. Prove them wrong. Don’t ever give up on God because he won’t give up on you. He is indeed, able. You need a strong support system, don’t do it alone if you don’t have to. Have fun but also, handle your business.
A message to the fifth year senior:
There are a number of things I wish I would've learned- things I wished someone told me about being a fifth year senior. I know- it seems as if you've let yourself down- as if you're watching from the sideline as your friends and classmates move past the undergraduate milestone. It is okay. This journey has taught me that you must cherish the pace. Your timing is your own. Sometimes, we feel we are prepared for the next level but God allows us to go through a phase of preparation.
You watch as they get praised; as they bask in the moment of their glory but truthfully, when your time comes- your family and true friends will be there to celebrate with you! Don't get caught up in the hype. You have to remain vigilant and remain focused on what is ahead for you. The beautiful thing about life is that we all have a story. No one knows your story like you do. The trials and tribulations you face will all be worth it. Every mountain high, every valley low- they all shape you into who you are destined to become. Failure is inevitable but it does not make you any less of a human being. We all fail and we learn from our failures and your failures do not define you. Do the best you can until you find a way to do better. Continue to work hard and persevere in the face of adversity- that's when true survivors are made. Keep your head up; you got this!
A very special thank you to,
My mother for being my everything. Funny how I was so opposed to getting an education from an HBCU (for what reason, I don’t recall) but I thank you for choosing Texas Southern for me. You have been an integral part of the success in my collegiate career. There are times I WISH I would have adhered to your bits of advice but I realize that the outcome would be something totally different. I'm truly grateful for where I am. Thank you for seeing the potential in me when I could not see it in myself. Thank you for investing in me… I took so many of your sacrifices for granted and now that I’m older and a bit wiser, you really did not have to do that for me. I thank you for always keeping it real with me… even when I opposed the truth. Thank you for being my friend and never scolding me or judging me from the many mistakes I’ve made. Thank you for holding my hand and learning when to let go. Thank you for allowing me to live, love and experience things all on my own. I am the woman I’ve become because of you. I am truly eternally grateful to call you my mother.
My father for being one of the STRONGEST individuals I know. You’ve taught me resiliency. How to ‘never let em see you sweat’ and how to pick up my slack and keep it moving. It is because of you that I am strong. It is because of you that I can recognize right from wrong (though I still make my own decisions and choices). It is because of you that I am even at this point in my life. You too, have made countless sacrifices to make sure that I have never wanted for ANYTHING. You have a heart of gold and the effort you give is unmatched. Daddy, you have protected me since birth and always seen me as your “baby girl”. Thank you for allowing me to grow up and flourish into the woman that I am today. Thank you for always speaking to the queen in me and for always seeing the best in me. My goal is always to make you proud and though I’ve fallen short at times, you always have a way of making me feel like I’m a winner. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for investing in me. Thank you for loving me and most of all, thank you for keeping our family whole. I appreciate you!
My brother for being my ace. My first best friend. My encouragement. My roll dog. I'm blessed to have you as my brother. There are so many times I’ve called to talk to you about EVERYTHING and not once have you judged me or made me feel ashamed for any of the decision I've made. Thank you for always leading by example; you’ve shown me that actions speak much louder than words. Thank you for protecting me. Loving me and guiding me too. This one is for US!
My extended family members- grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins- thank you for cheering me on!
My friends who have been with me through the journey; those who are here and those who have withered- your presence is greatly appreciated. Often times people don’t value good friends but I do. I can probably count on either hand how many true friends I have and for you all, I am truly grateful.
My professors and colleagues.
And lastly, to anyone I’ve encountered on this journey. I've met so many people and created so many connections, It's a beautiful thing.
There are things I've dealt with on my own Things that some couldn't even imagine. I'm grateful for it all. The rise and the fall. For every soul I've encountered, every mountain I've climbed… every feat I've conquered Life is indeed a journey and it nearly impossible to experience it without downfalls You need the lows for the highs Highs for the lows... Life is all about finding balance. It's learning how to recover from turmoil It's learning how to survive through trying times How to overcome, time and time again Some days it seems easier to just give up but you can't
For every obstacle, there is a reward. I am grateful for the journey.
Signed, Brittni Nicole Lee
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